So other things have happened to me in my life which I am just not ready to share with the world. But will say that they all play a part in my depression. Things that I wish I could get past so that I don’t have them hanging over my head.
And then years later I had a son. I love my son dearly, he means the world to me. It’s always just been him and me. We have spent more time together than I ever have with anyone else.
He was born November 25th, 1997. It was a very beautiful time of year, the temperature was very mild. I gave birth to him in Brandon, Manitoba. I was 10 days late and was induced on Monday November 24th, at 8:00 am. I finally had him at 7:50 am on November 25th. He was a big boy, he weighed 10 lbs. 71/4 oz. and I was so tired from trying to push him out that when he was finally born I couldn’t open my eyes to see him I was that exhausted. I remember the nurse yelling at me to open my eyes and look at him. She told me that if I wanted to see him I had to do it now because they were taking him to another room to examine him because when he was born his right shoulder came out at the same time as his head. So they were worried that he either had a broken collarbone or pulled muscles in his neck. I tried as hard as I could to open my eyes but they didn’t want to listen to me. By the time I finally did open my eyes they had already taken him out of the room. The nurse looked at me and said “you missed seeing your son for the first time!” Meanwhile, I am thinking well when I do see him, it will be my first time so I really didn’t miss seeing him for the first time. I however, didn’t say that out loud.
They stitched me up and sent me back to the room I had spent the previous night. I had no sooner gotten back into bed and another nurse was there telling me to get up and try going to the bathroom. They needed my bed but I couldn’t be sent to the ward until I had peed. So up I get again and off to the bathroom I go. I peed and went back to the room. As soon as I entered the room the nurse was there to ask if I peed. I told her I did, she said ok gather your stuff were going to take you to your room now. I get to my room, there are four beds in it and all of them are now full. I just wanted to get into bed and have a sleep. Which I wanted to do that but at the same time I was hungry. I had not had anything to eat in over 36 hours I was starving. So I had something to eat and then went to sleep. I wasn’t in the hospital very long, they were making me leave two days after giving birth. I wasn’t ready to go home, I was scared to go home. Would I be able to help my son? Would I know what he was crying for? Would I be able to take care of him all day by myself? What if I needed help?
But none of that mattered because off we were going home. I hurt like I have never hurt before. I was happy to be home. I got to see my dog Sasha. I missed her while in the hospital, I had never been away from her since the day I got her. My ex (husband at that time though) went back to work. And I was now alone with my son. I know they say that you should nap while the baby sleeps. But I couldn’t, I was too scared that if he cried I wouldn’t hear it. Or that maybe I put him in bed wrong and he would die in his sleep. I had so many thoughts always going through my mind that I couldn’t sleep. I was running on maybe two hours a day of sleep. I was so exhausted that the night before his one week check up he wouldn’t settle back to sleep so I brought him into bed with me. I had him laying on my chest and I just laid awake. Once I thought he was sound enough asleep I put him back into his crib and I went to sleep. I was so exhausted that I fell into a really deep sleep. To the point that I don’t remember putting him back in his crib. I thought that my pillow was him and I couldn’t find his face. I ripped my pillowcase apart looking for his face. I finally realized that it was my pillow and not him.
When I got to my doctor’s office she took one look at me and asked me how much sleep I have gotten. I told her usually no more than two hours a night. She said “to me you are going to have a nervous breakdown, I am going to readmit him into the hospital and under no circumstances are you to sleep at the hospital with him. You can stay there all day but you have to go home at night.” I would spend all day there with him, and then reluctantly go home. The first two nights I never slept because I felt like the worlds worst mom. Who has there child readmitted into the hospital just so that the mom can get sleep? I had never heard of that before and I felt like shit because I had now abandoned my son at a week old. It also didn’t help that the day he was readmitted happened to be my birthday.
He was in the hospital for a week. When he got out, my son and I moved into my inlaws house. We lived with them for about 3 months. I finally felt that I could take care of him myself. So my son and I returned home.
June 2nd, 1999 my son and I moved back to Winnipeg. And it has been just me and him ever since. Sure he see’s his dad. But in our house I play every role. Mom, dad, cook, maid, etc.
It was easy in the beginning. He was a great baby, and a quiet little boy who you could take out shopping or to a restaurant and would have no problems. As long as I had a pocket full of dinosaurs all was good in his world.
That is until he started school…..