November 15th, 2014 at 5:36 pm I walked into the Victoria Psych Ward. I was terrified about being there. I was disappointed with myself for being there. I was ashamed that I was there. But while feeling all those other emotions I also knew it was the best thing for me. I knew I needed help and I needed it now. I couldn’t say I would be around to ask for it again.
I was terrified because it was something new. I didn’t know what to expect from this. I didn’t know what it would be about. I didn’t know what would happen to me.
I was disappointed with myself because I felt that it made me a weak person that I couldn’t cope with it on my own.
I was ashamed because I felt it made me a weak person that I couldn’t cope with it on my own. I was ashamed because I had to leave my son in order for me to seek help for myself. I have always put my son’s needs before my own and now to be putting mine first I didn’t like it. I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to react to me doing it. Other than to hate myself more than I already do.
And for those reason’s and other’s I knew I needed to get help.
So I have a great nurse show me around the unit. She did my vital’s, asked me some questions, and then told me that my doctor would like to have a meeting with me. So off we went to talk to him. He asked me why I was there and I told him because the suicidal thoughts are happening more frequent. And that I have started to try to actually go through with what the thoughts are telling me to do. We talked for about 15 minutes, and he then told me that he’s going on holiday’s for two weeks starting the next day and that I would be seeing another doctor starting Monday. Since of course there are no doctor’s there on the weekend.
I am sure he said a bunch of other stuff to me that night but to be honest things weren’t making sense to me. The whole past two days were just so over whelming for me. I didn’t know if I was coming or going.
I remember the nurse got me a dinner brought up for me since I hadn’t eaten since Wednesday November 13th. It was cold salmon, cold rice and cold orange and yellow carrots. I remember what I had to eat, but don’t remember what the doctor said to me. I find that odd, but I think it was easier for me to focus on the small stuff that first few days and not the bigger picture.
I remember going to my room and unpacking my stuff. Earlier that Friday I had written my son a note telling him what to pack for himself while I was gone and also for stuff for him to pack for me. Since when I left my house on Thursday the only thing I took with me was what I thought I would wear to sleep. So after I had unpacked my stuff I went to the common area of the unit.
I didn’t know anyone there, I had never been to the psych ward before. Heck only time I had ever been in the hospital was when I gave birth to my son and in 2011 when I had a infection on my leg.
I had my book, and I sat at a table in the dinning area and I read. No one tried to talk to me, no one really looked at me. I felt like I had the plaque and no one wanted to be around me. At 10:00 pm I was being told to go to bed. I could read in bed but I had to go to my room. I don’t usually go to my room till between 12 am and 2 am. So to have to go then was strange. I didn’t want too go but I didn’t want to argue with them either.
So off I went to my room to read. I just hoped that my roommate wouldn’t mind me reading. When I got to my room she was asleep so I didn’t want to leave my light on incase I woke her up. So I laid in bed and waited for sleep to happen. The last time I had asked the nurse who checks on you at night what time it was she said it was 2 am. I finally fell asleep after that, but after a bit I woke up again. I wasn’t sure what time it was, I wasn’t sure if I could even leave my room or if I had to stay in there until someone came and got me. So again, I just laid there in bed waiting for something. After learning the time was only 4:30 am I eventually fell back asleep. I got up and took a shower around 7 am. When I got out of the shower and was dressed I was going to leave my room. And hope that I was allowed out. A nurse was coming in, she wanted to take my blood work. After 3 tries she finally found a vein that would let her get the blood she needed. After she did that I went to the dinning room area after asking the nurses if I could be out now. I learned that I could have come out when I woke up.
Breakfast came, I ate all by myself. Everyone else was still sleeping. Eventually a few people started coming out for there breakfast. I sat at the table and read my book. Then it was lunch time, so I got my lunch tray and after eating it I still sat there and read my book. I sat in the dinning room every waking minute for the first 3 day’s reading.
On my fourth day it was Monday. Finally something was going to happen. There were groups for me to go to. I was looking forward to the groups because maybe then someone would talk to me. I had only had the nurse that took care of me to talk to since I got there.
People started to say hi to me that Monday, but it wasn’t until Tuesday or maybe even that Wednesday when I finally had an actual conversation with someone other than a nurse.
It was nice to finally talk.