It’s certainly been a while since I posted anything in here. A lot has happened since I last wrote and I plan on sitting down and starting to do this more often. I want to tell of my journey and where I am in it. So please have patience with me and if I offend anyone at any time I am sorry. I will speak my mind, and I will write what I want to say and how I want to say it. So that is the only sorry I will say. I will return hopefully tomorrow.
I am not sure what having a nervous breakdown feels like. But if I would have to guess I would say I am having one. I cry all the time, have no motivation other than to make sure my son is taken care of. Myself I couldn’t care less about. I eat because I know I have too, not because I want too. I have problems sleeping at night, my thoughts won’t stop. And when I do finally fall asleep I usually wake up every half hour or so. And when I am sleeping I have really strange dreams. I can’t always remember what they are about, I just remember that it was strange. I can’t be motivated to clean the house. Finally did laundry today and was going to do the dishes but well I couldn’t be bothered about that. I tried to get a friend to go and do coffee yesterday but like usual she bailed on me at the last minute. I am always there for her, but doesn’t seem like she can ever be there for me. I am very short tempered with my son and my dog. My son and I had a fight on Sunday and I told him to just go and pack his bags and get out. I then said something about him needing to go to his room and he said no he isn’t going. I then said something like he will get up those stairs …… so fast I will make your head spin. He then said he would report me for child abuse. Normally that would scare me, but nope not that day. I handed him the phone and said go for it. He didn’t know the number so I even looked that up for him. I really don’t care anymore. Honestly, I wish someone would just kill me. I have thought about it, but can’t think of a way for it to happen where my son will still get my life insurance.
I just feel so blah. I am in a rut and it’s like there is no way out. I am lost, I am lonely. I am alone. I used to have friends, I always had someone to hang out with. Then I got married and lost a few along the way. Then I got divorced and I lost more of them. To the point that I was down to one friend. Then I made a few more but they are a lot older than me. Then the one good friend that I have had since I was a teenager has now changed. And I don’t feel like that friendship is really there anymore either.
I have a son, who has never really had any friends, but he now has more than I do. And as much as I hate to admit it I am jealous that he has friends and I don’t. It is so wrong of me to be jealous of him. And I would never tell him that I am.
I need help, by that I mean someone to talk too. Someone that I can talk to about all the shit that goes on in my head. Someone who can help me work through that shit. But I am also kind of really scared of that because I don’t want someone to know how messed up I really am. I don’t even like to admit how messed up I am :(.
I am new to this so not sure how it will be.
All I know is I need a place for my thoughts and feelings without being judged by anyone!