It’s been a while

It’s certainly been a while since I posted anything in here.  A lot has happened since I last wrote and I plan on sitting down and starting to do this more often.  I want to tell of my journey and where I am in it.  So please have patience with me and if I offend anyone at any time I am sorry.  I will speak my mind, and I will write what I want to say and how I want to say it.  So that is the only sorry I will say. I will return hopefully tomorrow.

Until then.

Sad

I am not sure what having a nervous breakdown feels like.   But if I would have to guess I would say I am having one.  I cry all the time, have no motivation other than to make sure my son is taken care of.  Myself I couldn’t care less about.  I eat because I know I have too, not because I want too.  I have problems sleeping at night, my thoughts won’t stop.  And when I do finally fall asleep I usually wake up every half hour or so.  And when I am sleeping I have really strange dreams.  I can’t always remember what they are about, I just remember that it was strange.  I can’t be motivated to clean the house.  Finally did laundry today and was going to do the dishes but well I couldn’t be bothered about that.  I tried to get a friend to go and do coffee yesterday but like usual she bailed on me at the last minute.  I am always there for her, but doesn’t seem like she can ever be there for me. I am very short tempered with my son and my dog.  My son and I had a fight on Sunday and I told him to just go and pack his bags and get out.  I then said something about him needing to go to his room and he said no he isn’t going.  I then said something like he will get up those stairs …… so fast I will make your head spin.  He then said he would report me for child abuse.  Normally that would scare me, but nope not that day.  I handed him the phone and said go for it.  He didn’t know the number so I even looked that up for him.  I really don’t care anymore.  Honestly, I wish someone would just kill me.  I have thought about it, but can’t think of a way for it to happen where my son will still get my life insurance.

Blah

I just feel so blah. I am in a rut and it’s like there is no way out.  I am lost, I am lonely.  I am alone.  I used to have friends, I always had someone to hang out with.  Then I got married and lost a few along the way.  Then I got divorced and I lost more of them.  To the point that I was down to one friend.  Then I made a few more but they are a lot older than me.  Then the one good friend that I have had since I was a teenager has now changed.  And I don’t feel like that friendship is really there anymore either.

I have a son, who has never really had any friends, but he now has more than I do.  And as much as I hate to admit it I am jealous that he has friends and I don’t. It is so wrong of me to be jealous of him.  And I would never tell him that I am.

I need help, by that I mean someone to talk too.  Someone that I can talk to about all the shit that goes on in my head.  Someone who can help me work through that shit.  But I am also kind of really scared of that because I don’t want someone to know how messed up I really am.  I don’t even like to admit how messed up I am :(.